onlydisappear: (melancholy)
[personal profile] onlydisappear
[Matt has remembered dying in the mansion, but he hasn't actually died.

"You've probably got a lot to ask me," he hears himself say, as if from far, far away. "You aren't going to shoo-"

They shoot.

Mello’s gonna be pissed when I'm not there, he thinks. But that's wrong; he can read what he missed before in the images tumbling through his mind, so slowly--how is he falling so slowly? Mello will just be annoyed Matt beat him to the other side.

He's insensible when he hits the ground, but he wakes up roaring mad. How,
how the fuck could Mello die, or leave, or whatever the bleeding hell he did, when he had to know the only thing Matt would ever ask of him was that he live?

He doesn't push the door open, he kicks it, and he kicks it again once it falls shut, over and over until his foot, even in the boot, is numb, and his vision's gone blurry. He shoves the goggles up onto his forehead, but it doesn't help.

By the time anyone would come down the hall and find him, he's sitting with his back against the door, a cigarette burning forgotten in one hand, the fingers of the other pressed to his eyelids.]

[private to [ profile] curtainwizard.]

Date: 2009-06-19 09:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[Light is lost. Not in the corridors; he knows them like the back of his hand, for a mile around the population centre. No, it's more that the teeth of his situation are beginning to bite him. He can't ignore what happened any longer.

And then he turns the corner, and Matt's there, hidden against the door. It's him: the dead one, the one who's apt to be around ... just as long as Light himself? The door he's sat against is one Light's seen before - crossed in harsh black paint, with an ankh beneath it. It's the death room. Ah. Oh.

Well, it's not as if he didn't have it coming, is it? And yet...

The little book is in his hand, and he'd never, never be nervous for something like this. He settles against the wall, out of arms' reach, and feigns concern.]

You're blocking the door, and I was just about to go in. What a shame.

Date: 2009-06-19 09:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
What? You wanna die? Be my fucking guest.

[Except he can't seem to muster the energy, just yet, to move.]

Date: 2009-06-19 09:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm sure I can rearrange my morning. There will be other times.

["Never" sounds like a good one. Shuttered behind his hair, he watches, and waits; around this room, people might say anything. Plus, Matts aren't usually armed, as far as Light knows, but...]

Date: 2009-06-19 09:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[This one isn't, actually, at the moment. He gave up the habit of carrying his gun with him in the mansion long ago; he hasn't fired it a single time. He tugs the goggles back into place, protective camoflauge, and drops his hand.]

You know what room this is. [He means: You're not in this stretch of hallway by accident.]

Date: 2009-06-19 09:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You know how this place is.

[So many things it could mean: the place twisted around to put me here, or this isn't the corridor you think it is, or the truth: pure chance: the things I find in the corridors are more interesting than anything the rooms have to offer.]

Did it show you how things were?

Date: 2009-06-19 09:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[After he fits the yellow screen between himself and the world back into place, his fingers ghost over the lenses, making sure they're set to rights, before he slides that hand into his hair and curls it tight. The sting's supposed to remind him he can still feel, but it doesn't work this time.]

You know that too.


Date: 2009-06-19 10:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[Of course I know. I've been here longer than you. This next is going to be some attempt at an insult, or some personal objection; he'll hear it.]

Yes, Matt?

Date: 2009-06-19 10:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[Very quietly; he's still holding the cigarette without drawing on it. The smoke, going up and up in a straight line in the airless hallway, threatens to hypnotize him.] What do you remember? About being in there?

Date: 2009-06-19 10:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[He remembers all of it - not the room's replays of it, but the real events, as if they happened yesterday. He'd screamed. As he replies, his lips tighten, and his right hand twitches, almost imperceptibly; he's suddenly very aware of all the places he was shot, of his heart threatening to shut itself off at any moment.]

Not very much. I remember waking up afterwards.

Should I ask what you remember?

Date: 2009-06-19 10:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Everything. Now. [His voice is still drained of all color.]

Date: 2009-06-19 10:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I see.

[He remembers the pictures - the way what was left of the face clearly hadn't been Mello, and the way there'd been no sign the terrorist had dragged himself around in his own blood.]

You'll pardon me if I'm a little less than mournful, I hope.

Date: 2009-06-19 10:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You. Your fucking goons. They did it.

[There's more than enough blame to go around.]

Date: 2009-06-19 11:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[It's on the very tip of his tongue to spit back - no, what difference does it make? Let him have it.]

They weren't mine. They were hers. You knew the risks of what you did.

Date: 2009-06-19 10:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
No, you don't get to do that. [He thinks Light would be protesting his innocence, if he thought there was a chance in hell Matt would buy it. But he's not allowed to pick and choose what parts of the end of the world he takes responsibility for: he was the root of it all.]

It wasn't her name they acted in.

Date: 2009-06-19 10:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ah, but it was her orders they took, hers and Mikami's. Do you think I planned for that sort of thing? Of course I didn't.

[It's true. He wasn't going to fret about what happened to unbelievers and heretics - much less people like Matt - but at the same time, Mikami and Takada's heavy-handedness had given him more than one sleepless night. It had been so bad for his reputation; for Kira's reputation. People weren't supposed to be convinced at the point of a gun.

Not that he expects Matt to appreciate such subtleties.]

Date: 2009-06-19 10:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yeah, well, who gave Takada her orders? Who sucked Mikami into his little playing-god game?

[He flicks away the long cylinder of ash that's grown on the cigarette, and takes a deep drag.]

Date: 2009-06-19 10:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Who cares? Not you, I'm certain; you're point-scoring. And really, what difference does it make, by now?

[As he'd known: no appreciation. Takada had had to be kept happy until he could dispose of her, that was all. Light would have got it right; from the top down, he would have perfected everything. Everything...]

Date: 2009-06-19 11:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Fuck point-scoring, you're trying to wriggle out of it like always.

You saw it, didn't you? What they did to me? [He's sure it would've been all over the news.] Do you have any fucking idea- [Pointing his cigarette at Light.] -what it really felt like?

Date: 2009-06-19 11:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[Light doesn't quite reply straight away; there's a pause as he blinks the red mist away. Maybe it's the cigarette smoke, annoying as ever, and everywhere. Like Matts.]

"Wriggle out of it". Stop trying to pin your actions on me. You made your choices; you sent an innocent woman to a terrible death, and you paid for it.

[Phrased like that, it's not as much of a lie as it could be. There's an important question that's gone unanswered in the bait, though: see Light dodge.]

Date: 2009-06-20 12:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Now that, that makes a fucking difference. You put her on that path, not us.

[It feels better to blame Light than Mello, and Matt didn't miss the evasion.]

I bet you didn't even bother to find out who I was, or why I did it.

Date: 2009-06-20 12:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Whatever you say, Matt.

[He would never have involved Takada; her prior association with him, not to mention her vanity, would have made her entirely unsuitable. But he won't say that.]

Of course I know. [Or rather, now he can make a good guess.] You did it for Mello, because he asked it of you. Isn't that right?

Date: 2009-06-20 01:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
No. [He pushes himself to his feet, drops the cigarette, makes a stab at grinding it out with his boot, but he doesn't care. He can hear the blood roaring in his ears, and he honestly couldn't say who he's more angry at, Light or Mello. But Light's right here.]

Don't you fucking say that like you gave a shit then, like you saw anything more than, than some idiot who threw his life away.

Date: 2009-06-20 01:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
["Then"? That's all he sees now; that's all he'll ever see, he insists. Ready to sidestep, he continues, steady rather than wheedling.]

Did you throw your life away, Matt? Is that what you think? Did you never imagine he'd leave you behind?

Date: 2009-06-20 02:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[That hits home as if it were a guided missile; it's exactly what Matt thinks right now, and exactly the person he doesn't want to hear it from. Light better be ready to dodge a punch, because Matt's swinging hard and right for his face.]

Date: 2009-06-20 02:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[Light sees the fist flying straight for his nose, and ducks sharply to the right, leaving Matt on a trajectory for the wall. Not unexpected; honestly, Matts are so predictable.]

Date: 2009-06-20 02:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[Matt can't entirely pull the punch, but he manages to keep from hitting the wall, stumbles, regains his balance, and turns a vicious glare on Light.]

Fuck you, Yagami. Just... fuck you.

Date: 2009-06-20 02:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[For a second, he considers faking Matt out with the sketchbook if he tries that again. It's not the time, though; he might do it if his life were in danger - but is it in danger, here? Is there a difference, any longer?

He could smile, loathsome and polished; he could throw insults of his own, or punches; he could twist Matt to the ground, pull the knife from his pocket and make him wish he was never born. In the event, he does none of these things. He just watches, quiet, almost reproachful. How could you?]

Did that make you feel better?

Date: 2009-06-20 03:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[Of course it didn't. Nothing could right now. Matt's dead and knows it, for once, and he's pissed, and hating Mello doesn't keep him from missing him, or them. The look he's giving Light now is one of utter loathing.]

What do you think?

Date: 2009-06-20 07:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I think you're not thinking. But then, that's nothing new, is it?

[There's space between them, and Light plans to keep it that way.]

Don't tell me it would have made a difference to you, if I'd wanted to know why you'd done it. It's not as if you're interested in why I did the things I've done. We were at war, Matt, that's all.

Date: 2009-06-20 10:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[Matt's pretty sure he knows everything he needs to about why Light did it.]

You started it.

[He means the war, but really he's just being childish too.]

Date: 2009-06-20 11:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[Chuckling his disgust under his breath, Light doesn't take his eyes off Matt, or raise his voice; it's almost amusing that he has so little to say.]

And yet, here we both are.

Date: 2009-06-20 11:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Well, you don't have to be scared we might get to be friends. There's not a chance in hell.

[He wants to go, but he doesn't want to turn his back on Light.]

Date: 2009-06-21 12:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I wouldn't be so certain of that. You've seen it, after all. And as everyone is so determined to get me to see, some things are unavoidable.

[Yes, he's still determined not to believe it - it's just a handy way to draw blood. The waves are lapping at his ankles, squelching in his shoes.]

Date: 2009-06-21 12:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh, come on, you're just arguing that to be a prick. You hate the idea as much as I do.

Date: 2009-06-21 02:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I didn't say I welcomed the prospect.

[His smile's glassy: reflected starlight. I may not welcome it, but at least you're stuck with it too.]

Date: 2009-06-21 03:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[He's annoyed that he can read this Light pretty well thanks to plenty of involuntary interaction and those ten years of memories sitting there like slow-acting poison, ready to bubble up into his system. He knows that smile means Matt's unhappiness about the idea probably makes it a good deal more bearable to Light.]

Dude. You ever hear of cutting off your nose to spite your face?

Date: 2009-06-21 08:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Just at present, Matt, I think my face and yours would both be far happier out of this corridor. Don't you?

[A step backwards, free hand gliding into his pocket - as it happens, it's the pocket with the knife, and there are no coincidences; the metal's cold, reassuring beneath his fingertips. It's an extra option, and he does like to have them. Accepting; integrating. Even if it might prove worthwhile, it all stinks of admitting defeat to him. Never. Never.]

Date: 2009-06-21 09:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[That's one thing they can agree on. Matt backs away too. He sees Light's hand move, and whatever he's reaching for, it can't be good, can it?]

You just go that way, and I'll go this way.

Date: 2009-06-21 11:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[Light takes another step backwards, away from Matt - but he doesn't leave. Power, and control. And who has them? What has them, over him? How bad can bad be? The idea hooks him; he can't look away. There's nothing human left in the determination on his face.]

You go. As I said, I have some business to attend to here.

Date: 2009-06-21 11:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[It's been less than an hour since Matt's fight-or-flight instinct was last triggered, and neither was a real option then. This time both are possible, but one would be suicide. He keeps backing up until he can make a break for the stairs. It doesn't even matter where they go.]

Date: 2009-06-21 11:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
[As Matt takes flight, a sharp, glinting smile cuts Light open, like the one Ryuk used to wear. He's won. It's a tiny victory, being the one who didn't turn tail and run, but he likes it. With that, his attention shifts to the door, with the cross, and the ankh beneath it.

Black paint in streaks, done in a hurry, as if the door's weeping. Twice, he's been put in there. And it's not real. It's only torture, only humiliation and exposure and crying, cheated loss. It's only the worst hour of his existence, there to be replayed as many times as whoever wishes...

No. I wish. I choose. It's not words; it's the core of the instinct that drives him on. There's only one person he'll suffer to control him. He could walk away, but instead he takes the door by the handle, unhesitating, and steps inside. He won't admit fear. With a loud bang!, the door slams itself behind him.

An hour and a half later, when he blinks, and returns to himself, it's the same agony, the same paralysing leftover terror - yet it's different entirely. He's turned to look at the thing chasing him, and found it wasn't so huge at all. Something to - take by the handle, yes, yes—

Too weak even to gasp for breath, he watches the door behind him, and slowly whispers his strength and composure back out of the room, spinning his cocoon around him. And as it all returns to him, as he draws himself up in silence, and waits, and lets himself just be, there's only one thought, spinning on its axis like the world in his hand. I'm free.]


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